There are, of course, many elements that have to come together in order for people to do what you want. One of those elements lies in the language you choose to instruct them.
When my kids were little, I went on an “Incredible Years” parenting course, not just because there was a free creche and I got a break – honest! Mainly because my neighbour had done the course and her son was so well behaved! He did everything she asked him to do.
I HAD to know her secret.
So I went on the course. And here is what I learned:
Ask people to do what you want them to do.
- Speak in the positive
Why? Because your unconscious mind hears positive instruction.
When you see a child carrying a glass of water, and they are tottering towards a table, and it looks like they are going to spill it, what do you hear their parents say?
“Don’t spill the water!!”
Your brain doesn’t hear the “Don’t” – especially when you are a kid. And more often than not you can guarantee that that child will actively spill the water. That’s what they think they’ve been told to do.
Asking people what you want them to do (rather than what you don’t want them to do) has real results. When we learned this Mr C and I got really creative with the kids:
“Keep your feet on the floor!” when they thought climbing on things was OK and it wasn’t.
“Put your hands on your tummy” when we wanted them not to touch anything in the shops.
It worked more than “Don’t touch that” ever did. And the added bonus is that if you ask people to do what you want them to do – it’s easier to reward them for doing it. Creating a great cycle of positive reward!
2. Be clear with what you want
That’s it. If you want someone to do something for you then you have to ask them explicitly what it is you want them to do. One thought per instruction. The minute you ask for more than one thing, or you start to clutter the request, people won’t hear it.
Less is 100% more.
“I love networking”… said no one ever!
The word is enough to send shudders through many people I meet.
Whether you like it or not, networking is key to building the relationships that will propel your career.
No one will work with you without some level of familiarity and trust, and that can only be achieved through meeting with someone face to face.
The biggest things I hear are that; networking feels forced, people never know what to say, and they find the whole thing uncomfortable.
On the other hand I quite like networking, I always have, but I didn’t know what I was doing was networking when I started talking to people – because that’s all it is. This list will help you to shift your mindset around networking.
- Networking Events Are Brilliant
So I need to caveat that even though I like speaking to people, I still struggle with networking events. I am still nervous before making contact. I still hate that uncomfortable moment of approaching someone and saying hello.
The reason I think they are brilliant is that those moments are SUPPOSED to be uncomfortable and “awks” but at an event titled “Networking Event” then the whole thing is expected. In fact, by approaching someone at a networking event where you are expected to talk to someone, you are more than likely to be met with the pure relief that they didn’t have to do it. You saved them from the initial awkward moment.
So networking events are brilliant because you’re supposed to be having the awkward moment and everyone feels the same. The “awks” moment is forgiven and the chat begins!
2. Small Talk Is ACE (Secret: It’s All About The Follow Up Question)
If we continue on the theme of “it’s supposed to be awkward”. And that everyone accepts that small talk is a step to a deeper chat. Then small talk is ace. It leads into the next thing.
The small talk question: “What do you do?” Or “what’s keeping you busy at the moment?”. Or “how was your day?”. Is a vehicle into the follow-up question – which is when the conversation actually begins:
You: How was your day?
Them: It was good
You: What was good about it? / What was the best thing that happened?
You: What do you do?
Them: I am a barrister
You: Oh whereabouts? / What does that entail?
You: So what’s keeping you busy at the moment?
Them: Actually my kids are a real focus at the moment
You: Oh how many do you have?
3. Newsflash: You Don’t Have To Go To An Event
There is an assumption that to network you have to go to events, meet new people or people above you in your career status. Well yes, this is a good assumption. But. In my career, the opportunities have come from those people I have been working with over the years. My peers, my colleagues and my friends.
You are actually networking all the time.
I network in many ways. I have got work from joining a netball team. I will often ask people to go for a coffee just me and them. I will meet someone through a client and that will lead to more work. One of the benefits of my podcast is that I get to meet more people. I met one client after she replied to an Instagram post, and I followed it up while I was on a beach in Greece.
Networking can take on the form you choose – which means you are in control of how it happens and you can do it on your terms. The key outcome of networking is to create trusting connections, that form business relationships. Not every conversation will end there, you don’t know the outcome of the conversations. But. You do know the outcome if you avoid meeting people.
I am on the train on the way to do my first big industry talk. I have memorised it. But all I can think is “what if I forget the words?”. I mutter my words as I recite it in my head over and over. I am consumed with nerves.
I get to the conference in time for lunch. A friend speaks to me and I am incapable of holding a conversation. I am consumed with nerves.
Next, I am pacing backstage reciting the talk over and over. I am on in 10 minutes. I am consumed with nerves.
I hit the stage – the nerves? They’ve turned in to adrenaline. I am flying. I am loving it. And I remember the words.
Many people come to me worried about nerves. They tell me they’ve tried the breathing, they’ve tried the NLP techniques, they’ve tried imagining the audience naked (I’ve never really understood this one!), they say they’ve tried everything – and they are still riddled with butterflies, shaky knees and that overwhelming feeling that everyone can see they are rubbish.
They say to me: “How do I get rid of my nerves?”
Here is your magic bullet:
Trying to ‘get rid’ of your nerves is a waste of time and a losing battle. What you do is manage your nerves, and here are 3 techniques to try.
1) Accept The Nerves
I recently interviewed comedian Hayley Ellis and she talked about how when she started she used to wear a scarf to hide the anxiety rash she would get from the nerves of performing.
This is not uncommon with many actors and comedians talking of having nerves when performing.
The reality is that everyone gets nerves in one form or another. Some people talk about using their nerves, or seeing them as positive – may be telling yourself that they are excitement rather than anxiety.
The trick is to accept them. Fighting the nerves and thinking you are not supposed to feel nervous is a sure fire way to fuel your anxiety. Accepting fear as part of the process is the only way to help reduce and manage it.
I saw comedian David Nihill, writer of “Do You Talk Funny?”, speak at TEDx Manchester, and after speaking to comedians and working through his own nerves his summary was “the nerves will always be there – you have to learn how to manage them”.
2) Do It Again, And Again, And Again
Once you’ve accepted that you are going to get nervous and that the nerves are all part of the process – do it more than once.
Take all opportunities to speak. And make sure you use rehearsal in the process.
I run my speaker courses over 6 weeks. By doing this, people focus on their rehearsal rather than on their performance. From week 1 the participants speak in front of their fellow students and they repeat it every week.
On more than one occasion the repeated rehearsal in front of their peers has led students to acknowledge the reduction of their nerves.
The best way I can describe this is that this is not about getting out of your comfort zone, and staying uncomfortable. It’s about GROWING your comfort zone so the uncomfortable becomes comfortable.
3) Make It About The Audience
It is so easy to think that you are on show and that everyone can see all your vulnerabilities as you stand there on stage and that everyone will notice every slip up and that everyone is staring at you and they know that the stuff you’re saying isn’t as good as you want it to be etc etc etc.
This is all of course nonsense. If people could really read your mind, no one would ever need to speak in public.
Take the pressure off yourself.
The best speakers make it about the audience. In her book “Out Front” speaker Deborah Shames recounts that one of her best-received talks was when she just spent the whole time answering the audience’s questions. Take the light that you feel is shining on you, and shine it on your audience. Make it about them, give them something useful and entertaining and you will get the best feedback.
The magic bullet to get rid of your nerves is that there isn’t one. Once you accept that nerves are part of the process you can work out your way to manage them, rehearse with them and then make it about everyone else but you. Stepping out of your comfort zone should never really be a one-off experience, it should be about getting uncomfortable and then making it comfortable.